Awesome calls of Chuck Norris.

 

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Wallys hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
  
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  
• Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
  
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
  
• Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
  
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
  
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
  
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  
• When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
  
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
  
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
  
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
  
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
  
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
  
• Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
  
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
  
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
  
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
  
• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
  
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
  
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
  
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
  
• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
  
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  
• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
  
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
  
• Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
  
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
  
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
  
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
  
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
  
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
  
• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
  
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
  
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
  
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Wie ist "Leben"? Warum sind wir hier? Und warum antwortet dieses Messer auf alle meine Probleme nicht?

 

Denken Sie, dann Tat mit dem Rasiermesser 

1. Copy and Paste in your blog

2. BOLD anything true

 3. Leave plain anything untrue

4.Add ONE that realtes to you at the bottom

 

 

001. I miss somebody right now.

002. I watch more tv than I used to.

003. I love olives.

004. I love sleeping.

005. I own lots of books. (textbooks…. )

006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.

007. I love to play video games.

008. I’ve tried marijuana.

009. I’ve watched porn movies. (Im a guy….. – Hey.. at least im being honest!)

010. I have been in a threesome.

011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

012. I believe honesty is the best policy.

013. I couldn’t live without my cell phone.

 014. I like and respect Al Sharpton – seriously who is that… lol

015. I curse frequently.

016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.

017. I have a hobby.

018. I’m a perfectionist.

019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

020. I’ve never broken anyone else’s bones.

021. I’ve broken bones of my own.

022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.

023. I love rain.

024. I’m paranoid at times. OMG….. SERIOUSLY?!

025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. Im happy being me… not pretty…. But happy

026. I need money right now.

027. I love sushi.

028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.

029. I have fresh breath in the morning.

030. I have semi-long hair.

031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.

032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. 2 sisters

033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

034. I shave my legs 

035. I have a twin.

036. I talk a lot.

037. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.

038. I have pictures of friends all over my room.  SMILES!!!!

039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.

040. I know how to do cornrows.

041. I am usually pessimistic.

042. I have mood swings.  OMG no……! this q is SO not me… lol… oh wait….

043. I think prostitution should be legalized.

044. I think Britney Spears is pretty/hot

045. I have cheated on a significant other.

046. I have a hidden talent.

047. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.

048. I think that I’m popular.

049. I am currently single.

050. I have kissed someone of the same sex

051. I enjoy talking on the phone.

052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

053. I love to shop.

054. I would rather shop than eat. YES!!!!!

055. I would classify myself as ghetto. OR FLY? DOPE!!!!!!

056. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

057. I’m obsessed with my LJ blog!

058. I don’t hate anyone.

059. I would go out of my way to cause shit with someone I hate.

060. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington –

061. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my dad – PeeVee is the bomb?!

062. I have a cell phone. Nokia 6260!

063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.

 064. I sleep more hours than I am awake. At times yes… at times NO WAY!

065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

066. I have lied to my parents in the last 2 weeks.

067. I have kissed someone and cringe every time I think about it.

068. I’ve rejected someone before.

069. I currently have a crush on someone.

070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. Industrial Pharmacist

071. I want to have children in the future

072. I have changed a diaper before.

073. I’ve had the cops called on me before.

074. I bite my nails.

075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.

076. I’m not allergic to anything deadly.

077. I have a lot to learn. Mentally YESS!!!!

078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.

079. I have/had a best friend of the opposite sex.

080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.  VERY VERY MUCH SO!

081. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message. But im normally here too…..

082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.

083. I have tried alcohol before.

084. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past.

085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.

086. I have avoided assignments to be on Xanga or Livejournal

087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.

088. I enjoy country music.

089. I love my best friend.

090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.

092. I watch cartoons and like them.

093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.

094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. HE SO DIDN’T DO IT!

095. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story".

096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

098. I have dated a close friend’s ex.  SO NOT WORTH IT!!!!

099. I’m happy as of this moment.  RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! SMILES MADDIE….

100. I have gone scuba diving.

101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met. hahahahaha

102. I’ve kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t.

103. I play a musical instrument.

104. I strongly dislike math. DON’T ASK!!!!!

105. I’m procrastinating on something right now. YEPPO!

106. I own and use a library card.

107. I fall in “lust” more than in “love.”

108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.

109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.

110. I’m obsessed with the tv show “Lost” OBSESSED WITH HATING IT!!! IT SUCKS!!!!

 111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.

112. I am an entirely different person around different people.

113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.

114. I think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world.

115. I am suffering of a broken heart.

116. I am a nerd. AT TIMES…..

117. No matter where I am or who I’m with, I always seem to be lonely.

118. I am left handed and proud of it.

119. I don’t change who I am for someone else.

120. My heart resides below my feet.  What??

121. I am a Senior in High School.

122. I enjoy smoothies.

123. I have gastritis.

124. I have nothing better to do with my time.  Does study count?

125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.

126. Most people call me by my middle name.

127. I once stole a music stand.

128. Pi confuses me. NO!!!! ITS EASY…. 180 degrees how hard is that????

129. I love NASCAR!

130. I own over 200 CDs. Try ZERO!

131. I work 7 days a week.

132. I have mono. what is mono?

132. I don’t have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.

133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.

134. I'm wearing a bonds chesty.

135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.

136. I’ve drove to a different state to see a band I like.  AND IM DOING IT AGAIN – U2 in Melbourne!

137. I am the most overanalytical person I know.  YES

138. I believe in wasting time.

139. I don’t listen to much music.

140. I have a shoe fetish.

141. My favorite holiday isn’t Christmas.

142. I prefer weeks off of school instead of days here and there.  YES!

143. I love travelling.

144. I wanna go home – I am home.

145. I don’t know what I would do without my friends.

146. Christmas threw up in my dorm room and I love it.

147. Friends is my favorite TV show.

148. I can touch my nose with my tongue.

149. On most days, I like my job.

150. I need a new piercing or tattoo.

151. Been embarrassed by the number of people you’ve slept with.

152. I still use the phrase "When I grow up".

153. I have a need to use phrases and words from the 80’s to "relive my youth."

154. I’ve given birth without pain killers of any sort.

155. I would do anything for my husband when I get married im straight actually

156. I go to the gun range to relieve frustration.

157. My name is Mindy, but I’ve never met Mork.

158. I want to get my drivers licence this year. YES>>> oh wait… ive got it!!!!!!

159. My passion is art.

160. 160 questions was a waste of my time. Not at all!

161. I unicycle.

162. I think the person this is destined for is beautiful. thats a definite bold!!!!

"Yeah well i've always been a big fan of people who walk, i am part of that select high class group - ive always found it hard to stay at the crease when all three stumps are lying there next to me......

 

.... What.... are you implying im not a skilled batter.... yeah well who got 61 against NZ????

 

Yeah that shut em up!"

 

- The Cricket Show.

Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: : (sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: (groan)
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...

So tonight the player formerly known as "The Rookie" is to make his return for the "Stonebies" first grade squad... seeing as though his fitness level would be equivalent to the stereotypical American... it seems he will quickly find his way out of the squad most likely within two fixtures.

 

All support or taunts should be left here... as he will be too busy dying of asphyxiation on the field.